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Before my first cup of coffee I hate everybody. That doesn't change after I've had that coffee, but it feels much better.

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Joke about penis vulgar
There is a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis. They are complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I’m put in salads, and to top it off, they put ranch on me as well. My life sucks." The pickle says, "That’s nothing compared to my life. I’m put in vinegar and stored away. Boy my life boring. I hate life." The penis says, "Why are you guys complaining? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They put me in a plastic bag, put me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up."
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I'm not lazy. I'm just highly motivated to do nothing.

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Quote about girls
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
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