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Husband (watching a video):
Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching?
Husband: Our wedding ceremony.

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Joke about pets
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up.
Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
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I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves.

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Quote about wisdom
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
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